"I wanted to kill the me underneath. That fact haunted my days and nights. When you realize you hate yourself so much, when you realize that you cannot stand who you are, and this deep spite has been the motivation behind your behavior for many years, your brain can’t quite deal with it. It will try very hard to avoid that realization; it will try, in a last-ditch effort to keep your remaining parts alive, to remake the rest of you. This is, I believe, different from the suicidal wish of those who are in so much pain that death feels like relief, different from the suicide I would later attempt, trying to escape that pain. This is a wish to murder yourself; the connotation of kill is too mild. This is a belief that you deserve slow torture, violent death."

"Wir verpassten das Leben, weil der Himmel zu groß ist und wir haben uns den Weg aus der Menge gebahnt und wir fangen an zu rennen aus einer Energie die nicht durch Nahrung, sondern durch Wahnsinn gespeist wird. Wir kaufen Nahrungsmittel und essen- und futtern mehr. fressen unaufhörlich- in der U-Bahn auf dem Nachhauseweg- und die Leute starren und an. Wir schleppen und die Treppe hinauf und stopfen im Zimmer die restlichen Bissen in den Mund an denen wir beinahe ersticken. Dann stehen wir auf und trinken eine Flasche Brechmittel- stolz die Kontrolle über uns selbst zu haben."

“I would not wish my journey through a shimmery, fun house mirror covered hell on anyone. I would not wish the bitter aftermath- that stage where we can never foresee when we`re sick, the damaged body, the constant temptation, the realizations of how we have failed to become ourselves, how afraid we were and are, and how we must start over from scratch, no matter how great that fear- on anyone.”

“Some of us use the body to convey the things for which we cannot find words. Some of us decide to take a shortcut, decide the world is too much or too little, death is so easy, so smiling, so simple; and death is so dramatic, a final fuck-you to the world.”

“Let it be noted here that it is decidedly not their ‘fault’. If someone tells you to jump off a bridge, you dont have to jump. But if you jump, you can always blame them for pushing you. It would be very easy to blame them for pushing you. It would be very easy to blame this all on my parents, if I werent so painfully aware that I was also curious about how it would feel to fall.”

Marya Hornbacher - Wasted
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